Starting to develop feelings for one of your really good friends while you’re in love with someone else, and feeling so torn it just brings back the insomnia of your past. The past of your depression because you hate feeling so torn between the love of your life, your first love, and someone new. When you’ve fallen so deeply and helplessly in love with one person and have planned to spend the rest of your life with someone, and you start to feel like you’re gaining feelings for someone really close to you, and you just don’t know what to do. What’s worse, is you’ve been dating your lover for longer than a year and have just begun making love to eachother, gave eachotehr your virginities, and you figure this out. It fucking sucks. It just brings back all the years of depression and self loathing and self-hatred. And soon to follow, the self-mutilation… The self-harm. The vutting, and hoping no one sees or ever finds out.
It hurts. It’s like a never ending fucking cycle and I just fucking can’t escape. I’m not leaving my lover… I just wish I didn’t feel like this.